The Stand

Ah, God. It’s like a whole new life! I have not felt this alive and happy in a very very long time. I am doing anything and everything. Some things I haven’t done in over a year. Some in over a few years. Some never. And I am loving every minute of it. It would take a lot to take the smile off of my face!

I feel like the whole entire world is open to me, all of the sudden. I have been trapped in my house. Tethered to the pain, tethered to the pills. And now, everything is available. I can go to shows and not be in pain simply by standing around. And I don’t have to take a million pills there to maintain comfort and keep the pain at bay. I also don’t have to spend tons of money on alcohol so that I can numb the pain and discomfort (and generally act like an ass once I’m drunk). So I have gone to 2 of Jon’s shows so far. I can run any errands I want or need to. I go to the bookstore, I go to the corner store, I got the car inspected, I go to the bank, the pharmacy… and I don’t even need to rest at the times in between. I am able to exercise! I walk on the treadmill and I walk my dog. Annabel is so happy! I haven’t been able to walk her in over a year. She has been good and patient. Now I walk her about 35 minutes an evening. I am thinking about taking up yoga again. On Sunday night, I was able to hop up and play video games with my little brother when he asked me to. And I had fun and enjoyed it! The game system said that we had not played since December 2017. That was really fun.  Yesterday I did something that I have never done before- I voted. Micah asked me to and I cannot resist my brothers anything. Before, it would have been out of the question- getting dressed, getting out, and standing in line for any length of time. But this time I got ready, drove to Micah’s house, and we went to two different voting stations. The first had like a 90 minute wait. Even though I could, I did not feel like standing in that line. So we went over to Randalls and wound up standing in line for about half and hour. Not so bad at all. Micah told me about politics and I figured out who to vote for. And I made a tiny difference.  I have been able to help out with housework, to the great relief of my mom and Jon. I have cleaned the kitchen, done the dishes, emptied the trash, changed the light bulbs, worked on our room. I’ve done more housework in the last week than I have in the last 2 years combined. And that’s not all. I’m ready for a job. A full time job. Oh lordy, the jobs!

I have applied for roughly 10 so far. There is so much to choose from because there is so much that I can do now! Obviously, I can’t go crazy and be a construction worker or anything like that. But I’m also not forced to limit myself to a call center ONLY. So I have applied for lots of stuff. Most of them customer service jobs. Receptionist, personal assistant, sales. I have done 2 phone interviews, both going very well and in the direction of a hire. The first was a customer service rep with Google Fiber. I’m not sure about that one. Their new training class does not start until December 1st and it only pays $12/hr.  Also, they are schedule nazi’s. If you miss a day of training or are late, you get fired. Training is 4 weeks long. And in San Marcos. i don’t know about that. I passed the phone interview with flying colors and am supposed to do a video interview on Monday at 2pm. But I wrote them and told them I couldn’t really wait a whole month to start work but that I would still be very interested if nothing else came up. Then I asked their advice on how to proceed. We’ll see what they say. The second phone interview happened last night around 9:45pm for a business to business customer service rep. They are in a big rush. The lady I talked to, Krista, was really enthusiastic about interviewing me and said that I had a great phone voice and wonderful personality. But she wanted to interview me in person today and have me start on Monday. I was tempted, $14-15/ hour plus benefits, but there are a couple of jobs I applied to after that I am really really hoping to hear back on.  I didn’t want to waste their time interviewing and starting training, just to get another offer and take off. Krista was disappointed but very grateful for my honesty. She asked if she could keep my resume on file and keep me in mind. I told her that I would write her in one week and let her know if another job was in the picture. If not, she might call if any of the people they hire on Monday don’t work out or if they are looking for anyone else. There are 2 jobs that I am especially hoping to hear back from, one of which I am really excited about. One of them is something that I have never considered before- repairing windshields. Apparently I would go to wherever the car is and repair the windshield there. No experience necessary, they train you 100%. And they claim that it is not labor intensive and that it pays $700-1200 a week. I spent 6 years building computers for Discount Electronics and am really good with my hands. I am also really good with customers. So that could be cool. We’ll see if they get in touch. But the job that I really really want to hear about is the Traffic Management Center Operator.  They work with Txdot and basically, I would monitor the roads for any obstruction. Car wrecks, things in the road, weather, and all sorts of stuff. Then I would have to inform all sorts of people. 911, 311, hardware trucks, towing trucks, news stations, and stuff like that. So I pretty much see the obstruction and handle the shit out of it. It sounds like it would be a great job to maintain while I wait to reapply with APD for the 911 call taker job. I will be working to see unexpected things and report them quickly and efficiently. The pay is $14-17/hour, with benefits, and all sorts of PTO and sick leave and stuff. Lots of hours  they said, 8-12 hour shifts, weekends, and holidays. The center needs to be worked 24/7 all year. So great pay, tons of hours, and great preparation. I am hoping to hear from them so hard. Fingers crossed!

In case it is not obvious, the new medication regimen is working phenomenally. My pain is usually at a 2 or a 3. The exhaustion is gone. I am comfortable and functioning at a very high level. This is more than I ever could have hoped for. I felt like a normal, real live human girl. Not a drug freak or a chronic pain patient. Anything is possible. I am supposed to just take 2 short acting Oxycodone a day and I am still struggling with that. But I am doing my best and am improving steadily. I want to take these exactly as prescribed. So I’m working on it. Everything else is pretty stable. I still have a cough but Dr. C gave me some cough medicine and it helps. I saw the endocrinologist and she took like 7 vials of blood and urine so that she can do a million tests. I have to stop drinking at 10pm tomorrow night and then pee in a cup when I wake up Monday morning. Then my appointment is at 7:30am. After that, I drive out to get my mother-in-law and take her to her appointment with Dr. C. I think she will really like him and I am so grateful to him for seeing her. She really needs some help. I saw the Psychiatrist a few days ago and it was a really short visit. Everything is fine and don’t change anything. I still haven’t been having any headaches since starting the allergy regimen.

I feel like things can’t possible get any better. This is amazing.

 

Hallelujah

Though I’m loathe to put these feelings out there, I suppose now is the time that it would really help to write.  We’ll see if it can stop the obnoxious crying, anyway.

You know times are hard when you envy those who are selfish enough to commit suicide.  You know times are harder when you find yourself not caring if you are as selfish as them. Of all the people it would hurt, possibly destroy for a while, considering the blow back on people who have done nothing but help you… it takes a great amount of pain to find yourself not caring. Well not, not caring but losing it in your desperation to make things just a little bit easier on yourself. Compounded by the fact that your body is trying to convey that you are dying already, even while your rational mind is trying to remind you that you are probably not. Who cares when it hurts so bad? How much can one person be expected to take in a single life time? Let alone the last decade.  It’s like dying of cancer, without the benefits. The benefit of people believing you..the benefit of having an answer…the benefit of knowing that your pain will either improve or you will escape it when you die. The emotional toll of “enjoy, let’s see how long you last” is insurmountable.  Forget about everything else falling down all around you. Forget that you are dragging people you love down with your constant problems. Forget the constant worry. Forget that people with their own difficult problems are working their asses off to try to keep you afloat. Keep you in doctors and in medicine.  Forget that your existence is pretty much meaningless- you contribute nothing to this life. You only take away.  Even if you can wrap your mind around all that, it doesn’t lessen the goddamn pain. The pain that robs you of everything and crushes you. The pain that might never go away. The pain no one seems to have a satisfactory answer for.  With things like that filling your mind, it makes it an attractive option to just take all the pain meds you have in your possession. One last dose of those meds that you are a prisoner to, and that is all you need to fix everything. Forever. *sigh* Yeah, I guess romanticizing it makes everything look nice, doesn’t it? Like I said, there is everyone else to consider. And that takes away your choices.  It shouldn’t make that much of a difference…just one more choice taken away. Most everything has been taken away already. What’s one more thing? Seems kind of stupid to be sitting around crying about it.  And repeatedly listening to Jeff Buckley is probably NOT the ideal thing to be doing right now but hey, it’s my depression.  As long as I’m not checking out, I figure I can do what I want to pass the time… even if it is counterproductive.  To everyone or no one who is reading this, I’m okay. While it may not be the most cheery subject, this is something that I think about a lot. If there was a way out, wouldn’t it tug at your mind? It’s not like you can just tap someone and spill all this out to them, either. Not without freaking them out and making them feel bad. When you already do enough damage. But I’m experimenting with the thought that if I can express the craziness, maybe it will slack off a little bit.  Anyway, moving on to updates….

From the tone of the above madness, it probably sounds like things are worse than ever. Not true. A few days ago, things were worse than ever. That’s where all the thoughts started. Things actually might be trending up a little bit. I don’t feel quite as much like I’m going to just die, which has brought a little of my fight back. The body pain has slacked a bit, I only really start puking my guts out at the end of the day, and the stupid infection in my eye seems to be backing off a little finally. Which is especially good considering I got kicked out of the special eye doctor’s office for having the wrong insurance and now there is nobody to help me with it. If it’ll start healing on it’s own, good. I see Dr. C on Friday just to kind of check in with everything. He’s really good at convincing me not to freak out so that will probably be beneficial. Maybe we’ll even do a little blood work to ease my mind or something. Like I mentioned before, when your very body is trying to convince you that you are dying, it is hard to hold on to your rational thought. He said he can’t do anything about increasing pain meds, but that is totally understandable. Now that I don’t feel half deranged with physical pain, my interest in the meds has relented. That’s one thing most the doctor’s don’t seem to get. My obsession with pain meds is directly related to how much pain I am actually in. When the pain lessens, so does the interest in pain meds. Conversely,  when I am in overwhelming amounts of pain, the pain meds are nearly life and death. Silly doctors…fix the pain and you’ll fix the pill problem. Anway, I’m glad that I’m seeing Dr. C soon. Glad he is back in town though I am sad his vacation is over. Also, there is a small possible ray of hope- I got a message from the allergy specialist. Apparently quite a number of things came back positive for allergic reactions. Could the pain doctor be right? It couldn’t be that simple, could it? I have to make an appointment to go see the allergy guy before I will know for sure, which is hugely irritating. He wants to create a “treatment plan”. Can’t you just tell me what I’m allergic to and I’ll stay away from it? Seems like the easiest way to work this. But , whatever!! Any answer is a good answer. Then I can go to Dr. S with the results, and he and I can make a plan and a prescription plan! Then I can leave Dr. C alone and things might actually improve! But that is getting a little ahead of myself. Hope is the deadliest thing of all. Hardest to shake, too.  Yet so necessary. Bah.

Fingers are crossed so hard.

Breaking Dawn

“Childhood is not from birth to a certain age and at a certain age the child is grown, and puts away childish things. Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies.”

-Edna St. Vincent Millay

All consuming

People with chronic pain are twice as likely to commit suicide. If they are anything like me, it’s not just the pain you feel day in and day out. It’s how it seeps into everything. Adding things to your life that you desperately don’t want. Taking things away from you that you don’t want to lose. Hope. Pain. Fear. Addiction.  Stability. Functionality. Ambition.  Desperation.

I could write everyday for years and still probably never be able to sort it all out.  But if I try…maybe things will get just a little bit clearer.