A whole new picture. A whole new era. Tabula Rasa….Latin for “blank slate”. That’s what we are dealing with now.
Hello blog. I have missed you. I just looked over my last post. God, It has been 5 months since I have been on here. It’s amazing how much can happen in 5 months. Hell, that was last year. And 2019 is going to be a different one, I think. Lets see, since my last post…I have been overwhelmed by drugs, broken entirely, been committed to a mental institution twice, my grandmother Beason died, I have been taken off opiates, given a great pain team, and am in the process of being put back together again. And that’s just the highlights. Imagine all the little things you’re missing.
So…yeah. Glanced over my last post. I was super shiny happy on my new Oxy medication regimen. Well, we’ll have to make a long story short. I think this post is apt to be a long one and I don’t have the will to post any tiny details right now. The Oxy regimen was good…for a little bit. My body did what it does and became adjusted to my new dosage. And Dr. C couldn’t prescribe any more. I took what I needed to take to function and make it through work. I constantly ran out early, I looked for meds wherever I could find them, I took meds from others, I got early refills too many times and became suspect (the proverbial red flag), one at a time pharmacies and doctors started cutting me off, I became lower and lower on options. The tenuous hold that I had on the drug thing finally broke. In a remarkably short amount of time, I had crashed and burned and had no idea what to do next.
I suppose it was after all of this that came the breakdowns. The first one was on Jan. 8th 2019. Things had gotten flaky at work. Real flaky. I was either high on pills and not acting right or low/out of pills which made me really not act right. My health was in flames and I was doing things like listening to my boss but taking breaks to run to the bathroom and vomit blood. My boss was very not understanding or sympathetic. It was hard to deal with. Everything I was trying to hide got harder and harder to cover up. Finally it came to either I got a higher dose of pain meds or I would be fired for not being able to make work and do the hours they asked of me. However, only the pain doctor, Dr.S, could do that and I had an appointment with him on January 8th. I was hyper focused on the date. That was the date I could find out if I could continue my job, which had become everything, and keep my life going. I was so stressed out by what would happen on that date that I asked my parents to stay home from work and go to the appointment with me. I called the office to confirm the time. Instead, I was informed that Dr. S could not continue to see me as a patient. So not only did I have no appointment. I had no pain doctor. Which meant I had no job. I had no more income to help my family. I had no more anything. Kapow. Nervous breakdown.
(3 hours later)
I had to stop updating so that I could go to the hospital. Well that’s just me all over, isn’t it? I’ll try to finishing the update tomorrow.