I think I’m in a serious rut. It’s the pain and the health…all bleeding into other aspects of my life. Taking it over. It’s gotten to the point where is is just about all that I think about. Sometimes I do this afterwards when the physical problems get badly out of control. My mom said that I have spent the last few months defeated and feeling sorry for myself. I guess maybe that is true. I think more of it as just a period of being stuck. Like I’ve said many times before, just waiting for things to happen. Now that a lot of my physical problems are under control, I need to start getting a grip on my mental status. I might increase the Cymbalta back up to 2 a day. I had reduced it because I was getting those brain zaps and that was the only thing I could think of the could be responsible for it. But Dr. S remarked that I wasn’t supposed to be taking 2 at once at night, that that was wrong. So maybe if I take one in the morning and one at night then it will make things better. And maybe my mood will improve.
It doesn’t help that I don’t really have anything in my life to sufficiently distract me. My day consists of watching TV and movies and going out into the sun room to read and smoke cigarettes. Sometimes I go to the corner store…or wander into my moms room and talk to her for a bit. I also spend a good amount of time on the phone, with doctors and insurance companies. That’s about it. I need a job for many many reasons. The first, primarily, is to bring in some money. I feel so guilty for leaving Jon to be the sole provider. We have been financially drowning for a long time now and I haven’t been able to help at all. And now I have officially bled my parents dry of their cash so the pressure on Jon is getting even worse. Jon is so much better to me than I deserve. He very rarely makes remarks about how he is the only one taking care of us. And he never acts like he resents me. But I resent myself enough for the both of us, I’m sure. I have forgotten what it feels like to be proud of myself. To be successful. I can’t wait until I am bringing in money as well. Then I won’t have a mini panic attack every time there is something I need and Jon will get a much deserved break. I want him to get everything he has been putting off, like stuff for his drums. That will feel so good. I also need the job so that I feel useful. I don’t know where I want to work yet but I hope it is somehow helping people. My favorite thing that would happen would be to work for my big brother and his company, doing customer service. That would be a very happy situation for me. No having to get to know tons of strangers or feeling self conscious while I train, feeling good knowing that I am helping my family and even getting paid to do it! BUT, that is probably not going to be able to happen. Not for a while anyway. But a girl can dream!
Also having trouble with my social life. The majority of the time, the only people I hang out with are my husband and my parents and, once a week, my brothers. I try to keep in touch with my friends but some of them are making that difficult. I have a number of “friends” who can’t even be bothered to text me back when I reach out to them, which I try to do whenever I don’t feel too bad. I know that people are busy and have much more of a life than I do but honestly….how long does it take to text “hi” or “I miss you”? Let alone ask me how I’m doing, realizing how hard of a time I’m having, or even telling me about themselves. It is making me wonder if I should just cut off these friendships. Maybe I am just holding on to the past. Am I even worth having as a friend anymore? Sometimes I think the pain and depression has changed me so much that I don’t even know who I am. I try though. It would be helpful if they would do so much as to make a partial effort. Or, God forbid, meet me halfway. Anyway, that’s not to say that all of my friends are like that. I still have many who are sweet and caring and manage to stay in touch with me even though they are crazy busy. I appreciate them so much and I wish I could hang out with them more. Maybe that is one of the things that will change when I see the pain doctor and get things in a more stable position.
Work and friendships. Those are what I’m going to be working on for the next month or so. Figuring out how to let go of what’s gone and making new things happen. Jon and I are having our 1 year anniversary in a few weeks! Married for our first year! Despite the stress and problems that we are going through, my marriage is probably the brightest thing in my life. I love my husband so much and he is everything to me. I lucked out to marry my best friend and even luckier that he turned out to be a wonderful husband. Speaking of, he is waiting patiently for me to finish updating so that he can play computer games after a long day at work. So I’ll only add a few more things.
Physically, everything is pretty much the same as the last time I wrote. I am on day 3 of taking all the allergy medicines- the steroid inhaler, the Flonase nose spray, and the Allegra. My breathing is much easier which I like and so far I have not developed any thrush. But that seems to be the only change, there is still tons of drainage and I have to spit like 50 times a day. I’m going to give it a solid week to see if anything changes. Then I will write Dr. O and see if there is anything else to try. I’m really itchy but that is probably just because of the pain meds. My mom said that I was sitting on the couch this morning, half asleep, and was intensely scratching my head. I guess Dr. C was right and that is how I got the cuts on my scalp! Body pain is still there and back pain but I have not had any headaches to speak of in over a week. I think. A while anyway. And that is straight up wonderful. I’m trying to get into the new neurologist, Dr. A, but their office is really incompetent. I don’t know if I want to stick with that office as they are not making a very good 1st, 2nd, or 3rd impression. So maybe I will find my own neurologist and request a referral from Dr. C for whomever I select. The doctor’s office has apparently made him my official primary care physician instead of Dr. E and I should probably let him know. I am waking up multiple times a night but sleeping a decent amount. Still losing weight. Hair is falling out at a rapid pace. Other than that, most all is well!
Stability, work, and social life. That’s not too much to want out of life and I am going to work my ass off to get it!