Though I’m loathe to put these feelings out there, I suppose now is the time that it would really help to write. We’ll see if it can stop the obnoxious crying, anyway.
You know times are hard when you envy those who are selfish enough to commit suicide. You know times are harder when you find yourself not caring if you are as selfish as them. Of all the people it would hurt, possibly destroy for a while, considering the blow back on people who have done nothing but help you… it takes a great amount of pain to find yourself not caring. Well not, not caring but losing it in your desperation to make things just a little bit easier on yourself. Compounded by the fact that your body is trying to convey that you are dying already, even while your rational mind is trying to remind you that you are probably not. Who cares when it hurts so bad? How much can one person be expected to take in a single life time? Let alone the last decade. It’s like dying of cancer, without the benefits. The benefit of people believing you..the benefit of having an answer…the benefit of knowing that your pain will either improve or you will escape it when you die. The emotional toll of “enjoy, let’s see how long you last” is insurmountable. Forget about everything else falling down all around you. Forget that you are dragging people you love down with your constant problems. Forget the constant worry. Forget that people with their own difficult problems are working their asses off to try to keep you afloat. Keep you in doctors and in medicine. Forget that your existence is pretty much meaningless- you contribute nothing to this life. You only take away. Even if you can wrap your mind around all that, it doesn’t lessen the goddamn pain. The pain that robs you of everything and crushes you. The pain that might never go away. The pain no one seems to have a satisfactory answer for. With things like that filling your mind, it makes it an attractive option to just take all the pain meds you have in your possession. One last dose of those meds that you are a prisoner to, and that is all you need to fix everything. Forever. *sigh* Yeah, I guess romanticizing it makes everything look nice, doesn’t it? Like I said, there is everyone else to consider. And that takes away your choices. It shouldn’t make that much of a difference…just one more choice taken away. Most everything has been taken away already. What’s one more thing? Seems kind of stupid to be sitting around crying about it. And repeatedly listening to Jeff Buckley is probably NOT the ideal thing to be doing right now but hey, it’s my depression. As long as I’m not checking out, I figure I can do what I want to pass the time… even if it is counterproductive. To everyone or no one who is reading this, I’m okay. While it may not be the most cheery subject, this is something that I think about a lot. If there was a way out, wouldn’t it tug at your mind? It’s not like you can just tap someone and spill all this out to them, either. Not without freaking them out and making them feel bad. When you already do enough damage. But I’m experimenting with the thought that if I can express the craziness, maybe it will slack off a little bit. Anyway, moving on to updates….
From the tone of the above madness, it probably sounds like things are worse than ever. Not true. A few days ago, things were worse than ever. That’s where all the thoughts started. Things actually might be trending up a little bit. I don’t feel quite as much like I’m going to just die, which has brought a little of my fight back. The body pain has slacked a bit, I only really start puking my guts out at the end of the day, and the stupid infection in my eye seems to be backing off a little finally. Which is especially good considering I got kicked out of the special eye doctor’s office for having the wrong insurance and now there is nobody to help me with it. If it’ll start healing on it’s own, good. I see Dr. C on Friday just to kind of check in with everything. He’s really good at convincing me not to freak out so that will probably be beneficial. Maybe we’ll even do a little blood work to ease my mind or something. Like I mentioned before, when your very body is trying to convince you that you are dying, it is hard to hold on to your rational thought. He said he can’t do anything about increasing pain meds, but that is totally understandable. Now that I don’t feel half deranged with physical pain, my interest in the meds has relented. That’s one thing most the doctor’s don’t seem to get. My obsession with pain meds is directly related to how much pain I am actually in. When the pain lessens, so does the interest in pain meds. Conversely, when I am in overwhelming amounts of pain, the pain meds are nearly life and death. Silly doctors…fix the pain and you’ll fix the pill problem. Anway, I’m glad that I’m seeing Dr. C soon. Glad he is back in town though I am sad his vacation is over. Also, there is a small possible ray of hope- I got a message from the allergy specialist. Apparently quite a number of things came back positive for allergic reactions. Could the pain doctor be right? It couldn’t be that simple, could it? I have to make an appointment to go see the allergy guy before I will know for sure, which is hugely irritating. He wants to create a “treatment plan”. Can’t you just tell me what I’m allergic to and I’ll stay away from it? Seems like the easiest way to work this. But , whatever!! Any answer is a good answer. Then I can go to Dr. S with the results, and he and I can make a plan and a prescription plan! Then I can leave Dr. C alone and things might actually improve! But that is getting a little ahead of myself. Hope is the deadliest thing of all. Hardest to shake, too. Yet so necessary. Bah.
Fingers are crossed so hard.